Addiction Humor

You ever hear the one about the pothead that studied for five days for a urine test?

Q. How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree? A. Wave
A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a month later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

A burnout stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who’s all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the burnout and says "Call me an ambulance!" The burnout looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
A young woman was complaining about how her "time of the month" made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal," she said. This guy overhearing her said, "That's funny, usually when I have the munchies, it's home-grown-al."

Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!

Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.

The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!
A pothead is walking down the street one day and he meets a genie. "Today is your lucky day!" said the genie. "I'm going to give you two wishes. What will the first wish be?" The pothead thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the genie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie lights it up and starts puffing. After three hits the joint is still the same length. Next the genie says, "...And wish number two?" The pothead replies, "This is so cool man! I’ll have another one!"

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the man at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "No sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So the stoner left.
The same stoner comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although somewhat annoyed, replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.
The stoner returns again to the gas station later that day. And once more, he says to the man working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the gas station man was angry. He yells, "You stoned' refer-smoking', burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that stuff here! If you ever come back in here asking for weed again, I'll nail your feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day the pothead went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, " no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"
So two potheads have been charged with possession. The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming drug users. They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says the judge! How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the pothead. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second pothead, he says, "And how did you do?" "Your honor, I saved 102 people from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kind of the same as the other guy, 'except I told people: 'o' - this is your butthole; 'O' - THIS is your butthole in prison.”